I came to the realization regardless of the fact you may be ambitious, passionate, motivated, and what you may even think as empathatic. Sometimes You just don’t have it all figured out…For my life, I’m realizing more often than not I’m not as close to hitting the mark as I would have liked. I’ve never wanted to say things just for the sake of saying them. I believe words have meaning, so unless you have come to the realization of the meaning behind words, don’t use them.
With that said as passionate as I am about relating with others and where they are coming from I have realized lately that over the last few years I have built up a conclusion about many people I have known and grown up around. And looking back, I didn’t emphatically make that conclusion, it was based off of generalization and assumption.That conclusion was relating to the issue of life: what do you want out of it. I felt like those around me weren’t dreaming big enough, their goals weren’t set far enough out, and their passions were miniscule and seemingly insignificant to what I believed them to be capable of. I found myself daydreaming much as a little girl about what I wanted out of life, and though my thesis has changed continually over the years and spurts of my maturity, one thing was always sure and that was that after high school I would unlock the cage ( i don’t say that negatively) I was in and soar to unknown heights and feel the wind on my face and embrace the challenges of a new place with new faces.
It was something I wanted bad. I despised the thought of never leaving your homeland, of never experiencing anything outside of mundane daily distractions and activities. I despised the thought of fearing the unknown. I remember gettting disappointed in friends when I’d ask them about where they wanted to go to school & all of them would respond “After high school Im just going to ASU, its cheap and I can live at home.” Perhaps part of my frustration was because this conversation would usually follow their ranting and raving about how much they were disliking their life in Arizona and how they longed for something new. Inside my little brain was bursting with confusion….”Why would you speak out of both sides of your mouth? Why Are you wanting to stay then?” With that said I bottled much of it up inside of me and came to the conlusion that even though I can’t save everyone….I better at least save myself. That the best I could do would be set an example and as Muhummad Ghandi once said I could ” Be the change I want to see in the world.”
So all through High school I told those in my life, I don’t know where I’m going to school, but I’m leaving. and I may come back, but not until I’ve tasted of what is on the other side of this desert filled land.
I’ve travelled often throughout the summer, always getting myself in unforgettable adventures that leave me hungry for more. So last year I got my wish I moved away to Charlotte N.C. only to experience one of the most risky, exhilarating, and fulfilling times of my short life yet. I can’t even explain what happened in me but something was awakened. I felt like for the first time in years I found my nitch, I found my calling, where I belonged.
Well here I am a year later in arizona again, wanting with everything in me to pack my bags and set out on another adventure…however, I think there are other plans in store for me. Plans to invest where I am here in Casa Grande, plans to work the soil I’ve grown up living in but never taking root too. Many mornings recently I’ve woken with disappointment and wonder if the right choice was made. Wondering if I’m giving up my dreams of flying away like a bird, wondering if I am losing my chance, wondering if I missed the train to my destiny. In many ways I’ve fought with thoughts like…”You’re just like the ones you’ve pointed your fingers at, afraid of leaving, afraid of the unknown, unwilling to do the work necessary to break the lock on your cage.” It is then that I realize, once again, Bri, you might be missing the mark. Who have you been to point fingers at everyone else assuming their reasons for leaving were fear?….What if this is where God wants them? What if there is work here that must be completed, and without them the world would lack? What If they do make plans to leave, but those plans don’t always work out the way they were anticipating? does that make them weak? Does that make them afraid? Does that make them Apathetic? It is then that I sit humbly down and realize….”Experience is the most brutal of teachers but my God do you learn.” -C.S. Lewis.:)
Its always so much clearer when you experience it for yourself, my reasons for staying are not anything close to what I’ve assumed of others, and yet I’m still staying. It’s just that I’m not meant to go this semester, I did everything I could to try to make it work, and when push comes to shove It is clear that I won’t be going anywhere this semester & yet it has nothing to do with fear, or apathy, or settling.
It is not my job to point the finger, it is only my job to be faithful with my own lot. And right now,I know I am being called to till the earth below my feet. To be faithful with what I have had before I can receive anything greater. That my call this semester is to be apart of bringing life to dead places. Whether those dead places are my dreams, my assumptions of life, my old way of thinking, being apart of bringing Hope to the lifeless, hopeless ones. Who am I to say “This field is for someone else.” I feel strongly when you ask to be used by God He doesn’t typically ask you “…where would you want to go?” So often we try to make up our dreams and hearts desires and then we tell God, ”Go ahead & put your seal of approval on this baby!”….ahh. That can’t be healthy. Choosing our feeble, limited perspective over God’s. When He said the fields are ready, but the laborers are few. He was referrring to those like I, who felt entitled to choose which field they work in hahah. Silly me. Can I not just go where He says go, and say what He says to say?
That is my challenge. That is my portion this semester. Being fully in the field thats been chosen for me this semester. Forgive me for drawing conclusions on others life, when I don’t even have my own lined up. :)
Cheers to a new semester in a old place. I know He will make beautiful things out of the dust. Even though I don’t fully understand, and I am wrestling with fear, and intimidation, and doubts (about staying ironically enough). I will choose to take the way of dependency, of walking blindly in the dark leaning on one who is so much stronger than I. We do make plans, and He orders our steps. I made plans and God quietly redirected them. So with that I take a deep breath, and I loosen the grasp I have on my life, one finger at a time, and I whisper a little prayer “Help me, do for me what I cannot do for myself, show me how to trust.” I”ve come to the conclusion in my moments of fear, that He is the only person I’d be willing to take this kind of risk on, following even when my mind is swarming with doubts, and my hands are trembling in fear. Be still. Be at peace. He has plans for me. Just because my little tiny brain doesn’t compute them right now does not prove them inexistent. I will choose to let go, and let Him. Surrender…Yeah, thats the bittersweet word. Courage to Surrender. So Until I hear otherwise, I will work at tilling this rich earth beneath my feet. Trusting that one day I’ll look back & realize He was worth the risk. He is always worth the risk.